Supernatural E&P crossover fanfiction (or something)

Scene opens with Dean in a motel bathroom brushing his teeth. He turns around to see a hideous fish-like creature in the bathtub. She hisses at him, he screams and grabs the lid off the toilet tank, bashing her in the head with it. He runs out of the bathroom just as Sam returns to the motel room carrying two coffees and a pie.

Sam: “Hey, you’re up early! I got your favorite…”

He stops upon seeing Dean, obviously frazzled and covered in green goo.

Sam: “Dude, what the hell happened? I was only gone for 5 minutes!”

Dean: “Mermaid!”


Sam: "I’m sorry, what? Mermaid?"

Dean: “Freakin mermaid, man. In the bathroom!”

Sam: “You look like you just lost a Nickelodeon game show.”

Dean: “Yeah, real funny. I’m telling you, there was a freaking mermaid in the bathroom.”

Sam: “A mermaid. Okay. You mean a mermaid, as in half fish, half naked lady?”

Dean: “Something like that… but this thing was fugly.”

Sam: “Huh.”

Sam goes to investigate himself. Peers into the bathroom, then recoils away with a look of disgust.

Sam: “Dude, that’s just nasty. How the hell did she get in here?”

Dean: “You’re asking me?”

Sam: “Well you’re the only one who went out last night. I’ve seen you bring home worse before…”

Dean: “This isn’t funny, Sam. She tried to bite me.”

Sam: “I thought you were into that.”

Dean: “Sam, I swear to God… if you weren’t my brother…”

Sam: “Okay, okay. Calm down. There has to be some sort of explanation. I’ll check the internet, you check out dad’s journal.”

Two hours later

Sam: “Found it. It’s called a Gill-Ra.”

Dean: “A gill what?”

Sam: “Gill-Ra. Half man, half fish. Supposedly from the city of Atlantis.”

Dean: “I dunno man, I’ve seen some ugly stuff in Atlanta, but nothing like that.”

Sam: “No, not Atlanta, Atlantis. As in the lost city.”

Dean quickly downs a glass of whiskey.

Dean: “Atlantis? You mean the mythical city that sunk under the sea like a thousand years ago?”

Sam: “More like 11,600 years ago actually.”

Dean: “Okay, so what… you’re telling me some prehistoric fish lady just randomly washed up in a motel bathroom in the middle of Nebraska for no rhyme or reason?”

Sam: “I don’t know. Looks like.”

Dean: “Yeah, cuz that isn’t weird at all…”

Sam: “It’s definitely weird. Tell you what… why don’t you hang out here and clean up, I’ll take a drive to the local library to look for more lore on the subject.”

Dean: “You expect me to get rid of fish girl all by myself? What am I supposed to do, chop her up into sticks and batter her?”

Sam: “Sure. I’ll stop and pick up some tartar sauce on my way back.”

Dean: “Yeah, real funny.”

Sam: “Oh and uh… while I’m gone… you might want to take a shower. You smell awful.”

Next scene… Sam is in the local library, browsing through various books on ancient mythology. Cut back to the motel room, where a freshly cleaned Dean is kicking back on the bed with a beer and watching TV. As the sun begins to fall, both rooms begin to darken.

Cut back to Sam in the library. Most of the library patrons have already gone home, and the staff begin cutting off the lights. Unbeknownst to Sam, a heavily armored red masked figure watches him from the shadows.

Cut back to Dean. Dean begins to drift off to sleep on the bed, as the TV plays an old black and white western movie. Suddenly the screen turns to static, then black. There is a sound of dripping water.

Cut back to Sam. The masked armored figure begins to emerge from between the book shelves.

Cut back to Dean. The face of an undead girl appears on the screen of the television, and begins to crawl out through the screen.

Cut back to Sam. The armored figure jumps out, slamming a Samurai sword on the table in front of him, cutting his book in half.

Cut back to Dean. The ghost girl crawls completely out of the television and stands up, floating just above the ground at the foot of his bed.

Cut back to Sam. Sam ducks under the table as the armored figure swings at him again. He runs across the library, calling out for assistance.

Sam: “Hey! Is anyone still here? Call 911 and get out of here, now!”

The armored figure appears again behind him, swinging his sword. Sam ducks and the sword misses him, getting stuck in the side of a book shelf.

Cut back to Dean. Dean opens his eyes and sees the ghostly girl floating above his bed.

Dean: “Um… hello?”

The ghost girl screams a banshee-like wail at him as he scrambles out of the bed.

Cut back to Sam in the library. Sam scrambles and tries to hide behind a desk as the armored figure attempts to remove his sword from the shelf. Sam pulls a book out of his bag and begins frantically skimming through the pages.

Cut back to Dean in the motel. Dean rushes to the motel room’s kitchenette, digging through a jar full of assorted condiment packets as the ghost girl floats up behind him.

Cut back to Sam in the library. The armored figure, now loose again, approaches the desk where Sam is hiding, jumps up on top of it and strikes his sword down as Sam rolls out of the way. The armored figure jumps down to the floor, approaching Sam with his sword drawn. He raises his sword to strike. Just then, Sam finds the page he is looking for, and begins to read an incantation.

Sam: “Et turpi facie expulso!”

The armored creature disappears into a puff of smoke before it is able to strike him.

Cut back to Dean in the motel. Dean pulls out a packet of salt, rips it open and flings it at the ghostly girl, causing her to scream and disappear.

Next scene: Sam and Dean are seen pulling up in their Impala to the parking lot of a diner. Dean puts the car into park and takes out his cell phone to make a call.

Cut to Bobby relaxing in an armchair at his home. His phone rings and he picks it up.

Bobby: “Bout time you called me, boy.”

Dean: “Yeah yeah yeah, sorry I didn’t have time to send you a postcard, but right now Sam and I are up to our eyeballs in crazy.”

Bobby: “So what else is new? What is it this time… vampires? Shifters?”

Dean: “No Bobby, I’m talking a whole nother level of crazy. I’m talking mermaids and floating ghost girls and Samurai warriors kind of crazy.”

Bobby: “Exactly how much you had to drink tonight?”

Dean: “I’m serious, Bobby. I wish it was just the hooch, but this is the real deal. Earlier this morning, I killed a Gill-Ra.”

Bobby sits up in his chair, suddenly interested.

Bobby: “A Gill-Ra? Are we talking full blown merfolk?”

Dean: “What else has two arms, breasts, gills, and a freaking tail?”

Bobby: “Sure don’t sound like Flipper. What was it about a ghost and a Samurai?”

Dean: “Sam went over to the library to look for information, where he got attacked by a masked Samurai. Then I got attacked by a creepy dead chick that crawled out of my TV.”

Bobby: “Guessing you won’t be getting your deposit back on that room… okay, well I’ll call around and see what I can find out. In the meantime, you boys stay safe.”

Dean: “Thanks Bobby.”

Cut to Sam and Dean sitting down in the diner. A waitress comes up to take their order.

Waitress: “Welcome to Randy’s! Can I interest you in tonight’s special? Salmon, fresh caught!”

Dean: “Oh God, no.”

Fast forward to later on in the episode. Daylight. Dean is driving down the highway in the Impala, Sam in the passenger seat, listening to Foghat’s “Slow Ride”. Dean’s phone rings, and he lowers the volume before answering.

Dean: “Hello?”

Bobby: “So I found some information on your little plumbing problem yesterday.”

Dean: “Yeah?”

Bobby: “Well the ghost girl that attacked you is called an Ameonna. The Samurai that attacked Sam is a Kageburado. Turns out they’re both part of an event called ‘Atlantis Rising’. Happens every 500 years or so, give or take.”

Dean: “Atlantis rises? Okay so what does that mean?”

Bobby: “It means that apparently, about twice a millennium or so, the god Poseidon decides to rear his head from under the sea, and when he does, he also brings up with him the ancient lost city, along with all of its former inhabitants, both dead and alive.”

Dean: “Okay, and?”

Bobby: “And what? What do you think? They lay waste to everything around them. The guy’s not just rising up out of the ocean for a social call. They’re all mad as hell for being condemned to the bottom of the sea, and they only come back up for one thing.”

Dean: “Pie?”

Bobby: “No, not pie. Revenge, you idjit. They want revenge on all land dwelling creatures. Their plan is to drag as many of us as they can back down to the depths with them.”

Dean: “Okay, so how do we stop them?”

Bobby: “We don’t.”

Dean: “What do you mean we don’t? There has to be something we can do.”

Bobby: “Well Poseidon is a god, and nearest I can tell, the only way to kill him is to stab him through the heart with a piece of coral forged in an underwater volcano and drenched in the blood of a hydra. So unless you know where to get your hands on something like that, I’d say it’d probably be best for you two to just lay low for a while.”

Dean: “So then what happens to everyone else?”

Bobby: “Nothing good, that’s for sure. Tidal waves the size of mountains sweeping up millions of people and dragging them back to the sea. Might want to take a rain check on any future beach vacations you were planning.”

Dean: “Alright, well can you at least try to figure out something?”

Bobby: “I’ll try, but I ain’t makin you no promises.”

Dean: “Okay, thanks Bobby.”

Dean hangs up the phone. Sam looks at him with a worried expression.

Sam: “So? What’d he say?”

Dean: “He says we need a piece of coral from an underwater volcano dipped in hydra blood.”

Sam: “Did he say where we could find it?”

Dean: “Why don’t you start checking Ebay, geek boy.”

Suddenly, Crowley appears in the back seat of the car, frightening Dean and almost causing him to run off the road.

Crowley: “Hello boys. I heard you two might be looking for something in particular. And I just might be able to acquire it for you… for a price, of course.”




Sam: “What do you think, Dean? Can we keep him?”

Dean stares at the bizarre creature that Sam has trapped in a cage.

Dean: “What the heck is it anyway? Some kind of monkey?”

Sam: “I dunno, but I think he’s kind of cute.”

Dean: “Cute? It’s like a fat monkey in a diaper, with disturbingly prominent nipples.”

Sam: “He seems harmless enough. Hey there little buddy!”

The creature tilts its head up at Sam, making a cooing noise.

Dean: “I’m calling Bobby.”

Cut to Bobby’s house. Bobby is sipping on a glass of scotch when his phone rings.

Bobby: “Hello?”

Cut back to Sam and Dean’s motel room.

Dean: “Bobby? It’s me. Looks like we’ve got another one of those weird Atlantis creatures. Sam caught it lurking around in the trees outside. It’s like a fat little chimpanzee koala bear thing.”

Bobby: “Sounds like you’ve got a Danzaburo.”

Dean: “A what? I guess he does kind of look like Tony Danza, but it’s definitely not a burro.”

Bobby: “No, one word, Danzaburo. A mischievous creature of unknown origin.”

Dean: “Are they dangerous?”

Bobby: “Depends. They can be, if spooked. But otherwise, mostly harmless.”

Dean: “Yeah well Sam wants to keep it.”

Sam: “It could be an endangered species. As long as it’s not a monster, we owe it to him to at least give him a chance.”

Dean: “Yeah well anyway. Any idea what they eat?”

Bobby: “No clue. But if I were you, just to be on the safe side, I wouldn’t feed it after midnight.”

Dean: “Way ahead of you on that one.”

Skip to next scene. Dean has summoned Castiel in a local wooded area.

Dean: “So how do we fight them?”

Castiel: “We’ll need to build a training camp. And we’ll need souls and vessels. Hundreds of them.”

Dean: “Sure, I’ll just go stop by the local Soul & Vessel store and pick some up. Seriously Cass, where are we going to get hundreds of expendable souls and vessels?”

Castiel: “Only one place that I know of. We’re going to have to start farming Purgatory.”

Skip to next scene. Dean is in an epic battle against a Mok-Arr.

Dean: “Cass! I need more yellow tiles!”

Castiel is fighting off an army of ever-respawning Muggys.

Castiel: “I’m afraid I can’t help you, Dean!”

Dean: “What do you mean you can’t help me?”

Castiel: “The tiles are all RNG.”

Dean: “So? You can override that, can’t you?”

Castiel: “I could, but I can’t.”

Dean: “What do you mean you can’t?”

Castiel: “RNG is God’s will.”

Dean: “Oh not that destiny crap again! Can you help me here before I get my arm bit off?”

Suddenly, Crowley appears.

Crowley: “He can’t…”

Crowley snaps his fingers, and the Mok-Arr and Muggys all disappear into flashes of flame.

Crowley: “But I can. You see, I don’t have to follow God’s rules.”

Crowley turns to Dean, who is kneeling over, out of breath.

Crowley: “Hello again, Squirrel. You’re welcome, by the way. Again.”

Skip to the next scene of Sam and Dean fighting Tarlak and Wilbur in a dark alley while Carl Douglas’ ‘Kung Fu Fighting’ plays in the background. After the fight, Tarlak and Wilbur vanish and Castiel appears.

Dean: “Cass, where the hell were you?”

Castiel: “I’m sorry, I was not allowed to interfere.”

Dean: “What do you mean you weren’t allowed to interfere? Couldn’t you see we were getting our [expletive] kicked back there?”

Sam: “Yeah, and what was with that fisherman? It’s like every time I hit him, it didn’t even hurt him.”

Castiel: “He was using Enochian magic. Wonderful Feast, a spell that results in shared suffering.”

Dean: “Dammit Cass, I want an answer. Why couldn’t you interfere?”

Castiel: “I couldn’t allow any harm to come to Tarlak.”

Dean: “Tarlak? He nearly killed me! You’re more worried about him? Why? What’s so special about Tarlak?”

Castiel: “He is a Prophet of the Lord.”

Skip to next scene. Sam, Dean, and Bobby meet up in the motel parking lot.

Bobby: “I got here as quick as I could. And I brought every weapon and incantation I have that might be able to hurt these sons of [expletive].”

Sam: “Thanks Bobby, good to see you.”

They open the motel room door to see Crowley sitting calmly in a chair.

Crowley: “Moose, Squirrel. And Bobby too, what an unexpected surprise.”

Bobby: “Why you miserable sack of…”

Bobby glares at Dean.

Bobby: “When you called, you didn’t say nothing about working with demon spawn.”

Crowley: “Relax, Bobby. It wasn’t his idea, I came here on my own to offer my help.”

Dean: “Who says we need your help?”

Crowley: “Oh, right. I forgot, you’re superman. Rocky and Bullwinkle and their geriatric alcoholic uncle are going to take on the entire kingdom of Atlantis all on their own without any help. Well in that case, good luck on your suicide mission boys. I’ll see myself out.”

Dean: “What makes you think you’d be of any help to us anyway?”

Crowley: “Boys, boys, come now. How long have we known each other? You should know by now. I have friends in low places. Including at the bottom of the sea.”

Sam: “There are demons in Atlantis?”

Crowley: “Of course, there are demons everywhere. In fact, I happen to have one creature in particular that could be especially useful to you.”

Crowley turns and opens the cage where Sam had been keeping the Danzaburo. The Danzaburo is now gone; instead, out crawls a vile purple alien like creature. The creature makes a disgusting gurgling noise as it jumps up into Crowley’s lap. Sam, Dean and Bobby recoil in disgust.

Crowley: “Boys, meet my favorite pet and demon’s best friend, Proteus.”

Bobby: “I thought I told you idjits not to feed that thing after midnight!”

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