Raiding meets fan fiction

Today is sunday. Mother’s day. I don’t have children. I can’t visit my family because of Covid-19 restrictions. So I played E+P. But it’s sunday. No tournament, no event, just war and titan. I’m bored. So my mind started wandering and I found myself thinking about what a raid would probably look like from my heroes perspective. I do like writing fan fiction every now and then so naturally I postponed cleaning my apartment and wrote down my take on that. I want to share it with all of you, who, like me, just have nothing better to do. Rihkar’s rather chatty warriors (aka Rigard, Finley, Black Knight, Elena, Kestrel) vs. Joon, Jean-Francois, Telluria, Seshat, Mother North. It’s a complete waste of time, but I hope you enjoy it anyway :slight_smile:

Warning: Contains fan fiction. May contain traces of bad writing, stupid puns, irony and sarcasm. No heroes were permanently injured during this raid (except for Grazul). This fiction is based on true (yet probably not historic) events.


Kestrel: Ok, people get ready. You know how it is with Telluria, have to take him out before he can fire.

Elena: Captain, are we sure ‘he’ is the right pronoun? I don’t want to be politically incorrect.

Kestrel: Well, look at that beast, who could ever be sure what it is? Male? Female? Goat? Cat? Tree?

Telluria: I’m a forest god, pirate, and you’re gonna feel my wrath… well, in a minute, wouldn’t want to rush things here.

Elena: Thought you were a paladin.

Telluria: Damn sure I am.

Kestrel: Than what do you need a wand for? Looks suspiciously like Gandalf’s, by the way, and he’s a wizard.

Elena: Isn’t Gandalf a druid?

Kestrel: Are we talking about the grey or the white?

Rigard: Less chatting, more fighting, guys. Finn and I are doing all the work, as usual.

Telluria: I so wish Vela was here. We’d be done by now. But don’t worry, I got this. (She fires.)

Finley: Oh great, now I can hit all of you. (He fires.)

Elena: Uh, these strangling vines really slow you down.

Finley: As if you ever needed something to make you slow…

Elena: Do I detect a note of sarcasm?

Kestrel: Totally should have brought Grazul instead.

Elena: Well, she was unavailable.

Rigard: Yeah, because some genius - of course we wouldn’t say who – didn’t like her artwork and decided to send her training with Elena.

Kestrel: You killed Grazul?

Elena: Hey, I levelled up, ok?

Finley: Nice job, boss. Really, fantastic idea. Again and again I’m astonished by your wisdom, humbled by your unmatched intelligence and blinded by the light of your truly visionary gameplay.

Elena: Better leave him alone, or he’ll demote you to team 2.

Finley: I’m the best hero he has, I’ll always be team 1. Except for green titans, maybe.

Rigard: And technically, it would be team 3. Team 2 is defense only.

Kestrel: Ah, now we got her. Black Knight first, then that nice fiery cascade, and I’ll give her the rest! (He fires, Telluria dies).

Finley: Oh look, it’s that lady ranger I like so much. Doesn’t she just look fabulous?

(Seshat fires)

Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.

Elena: Nice job with the three reds, boss, it worked out nicely.

Finley: Oh, sucking up to the boss again?

Kestrel: Why else would she even be on the team? It’s not like she ever does anything. She just stands there and looks beautiful. And gets killed before she can manage to do her sword trick.

Elena: You think I’m beautiful? Thanks!

Kestrel: That’s what you took from that?

Finley: Guys, watch out, that monk is about to fire.

(Joon fires)

Rigard: Uh, that’s a really bright light… Did he just hit Elena?

Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.

Rigard: No, no, by my expert opinion as a cleric, it’s more than that. I believe she was fatally wounded. Yes, she is dead.

Kestrel: My point exactly.

Finley: Thought you were a ranger today. Can’t you do something about those vines?

Rigard: Sure, sure, I’ll cleanse you of them, no problem.

Finley: Maybe want to wait for the cowboy to fire?

Jean-Francois: How often do I have to tell you this? I’m not a cowboy, I’m a musketeer!

Finley: You brand stuff with your fire seal. Like cattle. You’re totally a cowboy. Deal with it.

Jean-Francois: Deal with that, undead pirate! (He fires).

Finley: Pah! Take that! (He fires)

Rigard: NO, Finley, NO!!! We went over this the last time! No firing after the fire seal! Does anyone ever listen to me?

Finley: Sorry, forgot. And to answer your question: no.

Jean-Francois: Thanks for the buff. I feel smug right now, do I look smug?

Kestrel: I have a feeling this is not going to end well. It’s kind of a burning sensation.

Rigard: Here, I’ll help you.

Seshat: Over my undead body! (She fires, Rigard dies)

Mother North: Porridge, anyone?

Finley: Sure thing, Telluria is back.

Kestrel: Red pirate for the save! (He fires, Telluria dies again.)

Finley: Should have waited for the Black Knight.

Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.

Finley: Still think we’re going to win this, captain?

Kestrel: Well, would’ve gone better if the boss would have given us a red mana troop.

Finley: We don’t have one.

Kestrel: What? Why don’t we have one? Why? … Wait, did the boss go to Atlantis again?

Finley: I’m afraid so.

Kestrel: And blew all his gems trying to get a fancy new hero?

Finley: It was Gravemaker.

Kestrel: And? Did he get him?

Finley: Of course not. Brought home the little mermaid and a girl paladin instead.

Kestrel: Oh, Ariel? I like her.

Finley: Yeah, sure, she’s nice. Clarissa’s nice, too. But the red assassins would’ve been much more useful. Plus, we could finally stop looking for troop coins. It’s not exactly a challenging quest, right, Captain?

Kestrel: (doesn’t answer)

Finley: Oh great, he burned to death.

Finley: Damn, that blinding light again. No matter, when your eyes get weaker, your ears get stronger At least it’s quiet with the Black Knight not taunting any more. Wait a minute, that means…noooo (He dies.)

Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.

Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.

Black Knight: Just a fl… oh, I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding! (He dies.)


Glad you shared, this was funny to read!

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Thank you, glad you liked it.

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Hah! Well done.

TBH, I didn’t think I was going to like it at first. Thought it was going to be soap opera-ish. To my surprise, it was humorous, action-packed, and relatable. Was this based on a play-by-play from one of your actual raids? I’m not sure how I’d even do that. I’d have to record the raid and replay it in slow motion to even remember what happened.

Most of my raids end quickly, in one of three ways. None of which are story worthy.

Scenario 1 - Best Case Scenario

Wu Kong: Oh lookie. Bananas! (chomps up yellow tiles)

Other team: Kneel before us, you pathetic ape!

Wu Kong: Oh lookie. More fruits! (sends cascade of tiles)


Wu Kong: Where other team go? (scratches head)

Scenario 2 - Worst Case Scenario

Richard - Oh crap. I have no tiles.

Wu Kong - Uh oh. No bananas.

Boldtusk - (growls) No reds? How am I supposed to work in these conditions?

Other team - Any day now…

My team - (sends some random tiles up)

Other team - Thanks for the free mana. Now die.

My team - (dies)

Scenario 3 - No Explanation Needed

Me - (sees crappy board. looks at enemy team. realizes the futility. presses flee button)

Of course there is also the very rare, long and boring 4th scenario:

My healer - You die!

Other team’s healer - No, you die!

My healer - No YOU die!

Other team’s healer - NO, YOU!

My healer - YOU!

Other team’s healer - YOU FIRST!

My healer - NO YOU FIRST!

etc. ad nauseam


Thank you! I’m glad you liked it. It is based on an actual raid of mine - as best as I remember it. I didn’t record it and filled in some blanks. I do remember certain parts of the raid, though - like not having red tiles in the beginning, finally killing Telluria with a cascade, MN bringing Telluria back, me mistakingly setting of Finley after J-F.s special, Elena dying early. I added a few of my personal grievances, like how I still don’t have a red mana troop, how I rarely manage to get Elena to fire or how I fed Grazul to Elena - probably the single worst mistake I made in the game so far. It just came together nicely, I guess.

Don’t say your raids aren’t story worthy, I can totally relate to your short scenarios! It’s pretty funny, I thought about writing a Titan hit with WuKong, it would have looked a little like those, I think. Mostly along the line of

Wu: Oh no bananas…
teammates: Wu, we need you!!!
Wu: No bananas…

Titan killing everyone.

On titans, just give him mana pots instead. He doesn’t know the difference. :grin:

EDIT: side notes…

Yeah, major ouch on that Grazul thing. I fed my first Bane away, but that was just Bane… easily replaceable. Kinda hard to replace Grazul. :worried:

When it comes to troops? I still don’t have any 4* blue troops. Neither crit nor mana. How silly do I look, going into raids and wars and whatnot with level 20 Ravager Archers on my blue hero. It’s embarrassing. :man_facepalming:

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Yeah, I’ll have my smith brew some more of those, my heroes certainly drink a lot of them. That’ll make the titan hit a little more interesting^^

The Grazul thing was just so stupid. I’m still angry at myself for that, especially since March and Telluria. But what I like about this game is that it’s not about one hero. There are other heroes who can be equally successful.

No blue 4* troop, that is really tough. I hope you pull one soon. I’ll keep my fingers crossed!

that was funny! I love your dialogue!

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Thanks! I’m glad you like it :slight_smile:

Great stuff, love it!

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