@MysterySpin Grabs the mic...An Audience with @JonahTheBard 🎙️

Happy Easter, global citizens.

I didn’t have a particular plan for this, but when @MysterySpin answered my questions, he posed some of his own.

But wait, Jonah, why aren’t you spending Easter Sunday with your adorable children?

Well, I got Covid, so while Mrs The Bard is organising the egg hunt, I’m curled up on the sofa wrapped in a blanket and self pity.

If any of my answers are a bit peculiar (and the questions certainly are) I’m blaming a mild fever.


@MysterySpin writes:

Unfortunately having slept on it my subconscious was busy hard at work coming up with this next bit and having thought it up I feel compelled to go with it but I shall only add everything I dreamed up and not anything else. Naturally as this was my subconscious at work it is a jumble of tossing back stuff that it encountered during the day (ie re-using your questions) and coming up with a bunch of my own from parts of my psyche of varying degrees of seriousness and surreality.

MysterySpin Returns

We interrupt this edition of An Audience with to bring you breaking news that MysterySpin has kidnapped JonahTheBard. Jonah is currently tied up on the backseat of a Reliant Robin as MysterySpin drives it around Scandinavia in a trip consisting of fiendish mini-golf and questions. We take you now to the action…

How are the restraints? Not too tight?

Just the way I like them. As someone who regularly uses restraints, I’d just remind you that they need to be eased and re-tightened every 15 minutes to prevent toxic shock, thanks.

Careful the car has only got three wheels and will tip if you squirm too much. Anyway enough about the restraints it is not that kind of website. How long have you been playing Empires and Puzzles?

Since 6th March 2018. I needed something engaging while I was up a lot with a grumpy baby. I had tried reading sci-fi novels allowed, but there’s only so often you can describe a heretic being chainsawed in half before you worry there will be some kind of psychological impact.

Well this is gonna be a long journey so let’s try a game. How about Snog, Marry, Kill? Who would you snog, marry and kill from your hero roster and why?

I’m going to choose Mother North for all three. It’s a long-term plan to gain the lucrative image rights to Santa. By instigating a heart-breaking and bitter divorce between Mother North and Santa, I’ll make sure she takes him to the cleaners. Then, once we’re married there’ll be a tragic skiing accident in which she’ll accidentally repeatedly fall on a ski pole. And Santa will very sadly end it all although how he managed to tie himself up in a carpet and fall off a bridge will remain a mystery. This leaves me as heir to the entire Christmas empire.

OK now how about snog, marry, kill from the combined team of moderators and staff that maintain this forum?

It’s basically the same answer but with @mhalttu

What’s your current role in your alliance?

I’m a sort of co-leader…@rook? I was really heavily involved in building the Guardians Alliance Family, who I still love dearly, but I’m enjoying being a bit hands off at Misfit Toys and satisfy the conditions of my rank by letting people back in the alliance and fiddling with the alliance message.

If we’re travelling from Turku at an average speed of 35 kilometres an hour (probably should have used a better car) to abduct Petri in Helsinki 166 kilometres away… What is the average cost of a tin of spaghetti in your country?

I haven’t done any proper shopping for over 10 years. I don’t know… probably more than a barrel of oil at this point.

Now assuming we weren’t going to be abducting Petri but instead you were going on a road trip with Petri instead where would you be going and what snacks would you bring?

I’m fortunate to live near a lot of historic sites, which makes me feel especially smug when talking to my American friends. So I’ll drag you and Petri to a few iron age hillforts, Roman walls, castles and we can re-enact a few Saxon Vs Viking battles. And I have a borderline addiction to chocolate raisins. So I’ll bring those. But I won’t share.

Rank your 5 favourite cheeses.

Wensleydale with Cranberry or Apricot
Baked Camembert
Extra mature cheddar
Red Leicester
Anything by The Darkness

OK time to get serious for a moment. Let’s talk string theory… Just how long is a piece of string?

I don’t really think in an X dimension. Now, ‘how high is a piece of string’ is a much more interesting question.

If this car had a sunroof what would you hope you would be able to see out of it?

Certainly not this patch of tarmac. Try taking it easier on the corners next time.

And if you were back at your home instead what would you be able to see out of the window now?

Which hero are you currently levelling and how will you use them?

I’ve been ridiculously lucky with pulls recently. I only spend about five quid a year from Google Rewards surveys but I’ve got rare 5 coming out my ears. So I’ve just maxxed Anzogh, Tyr and Norns, with Killhare almost done. I’m going to use her instead of Quintus in my primary purple stack. I might use her on defence, just for laughs. Similarly to you, I’m a firm believer in using what you get, so my Elkanen, horghall, skittles, Gobbler, Agwe and Quintus have all seen a lot of use.*

Which is you favourite hero in your roster and why?

Evelyn - she’s just good at absolutely everything and elevated my mundane green stack into stone cold killers.

Which forum thread do you most regret posting in?

Easy, The Feline Fans of E&P 😻

I started this thread for people who like cats, which, I’ll admit, I’m entirely indifferent to. But it’s one of my most ‘liked’ threads and as someone who’s put rather a lot of effort into poetry and short stories, it irks me that cat pictures are still more appreciated, even here.

As a moderator you must be pretty good at merging stuff so I’m gonna give you a bunch of categories and you have to think of two things in that category to make the most interesting or entertaining merged product.

No. 1 – Which two completely unrelated forum threads would you find amusing to merge?
The Ridiculous Bragging Thread and Summons are Ridiculous…all the happy people and all the summons misery in one place. I’m sure they’d all appreciate each other’s contrasting emotions with great poise and compassion…

Now DO IT! Just kidding, how can you tied up!

No. 2 – Pitch the concept for a film that merges 2 or more other film franchises?

An easy one would be to bridge the Terminator series with the Matrix. Potentially, one could write a film to go from Terminator 1 and 2 to the Matrix. Then we could bin alllll the other matrix and terminator movies, leaving a single quadrology of genius.

Ok, how about Leon Vs John Wick. Two Uber assassins going head to head and then joining forces?

And finally The Raid meets Twilight/Harry Potter


(@Guvnor @petri, seriously can you check this gif is appropriate)

No. 3 – Play matchmaker to two heroes within the game to produce the offspring hero you would find the most interesting. Which hero is the father, which is the mother and what would the child be like?
Bonus points for describing the advise you would give the would be father on how they should woo the prospective mother…

I think I’ve been here for half an hour already…and I’ve just checked how much is left. Good grief @MysterySpin
I’m awful at this sort of stuff. Right, I’m going Gravemaker and Nightshade. Everyone is always waxing lyrical about Aife but Nightshade is anonymous. That’s until Gravemaker is smitten. He takes her on a series of hilariously awkward dates in which he burns down the restaurant, disembowels a jazz band and insults her father. He gets bad advice from his two cliché best buddies, womanising smoothie Jean François and muscle head bro Azlar. In the end, she just wants him to be himself. Their kid turns out to be absolutely normal and gets a job as a pig miller at the Stronghold.

No. 4 – Merge two or more food substances that most people would assume doesn’t work but actually tastes quite good together. This must be a concoction of your own devising.
I often cook crushed crisps (aka potato chips) mixed with cheese and baked on chicken breast. Is this unusual enough?

Talking of taking parts of food and putting them together let’s talk #playaparttogether

This is a really strange and challenging time for all of us across the whole player base and all our communities around the world. How has your alliance been supporting each other or those around them?

@rook does all the pastoral work. I just try to be generally cheerful :grinning:. That’s a bit lame isn’t it… Personally, we’ve been in isolation for almost two weeks, my wife was patient one. Fortunately, church folks have done shopping for us and I can work from home a bit.

Hypothetically speaking if the next part of PlayApartTogether was that alliances were challenged to cosplay as heroes from the game during the weekend war next week, what hero or heroine would you dress as given what you might have available at home if you weren’t tied up in this car?

Well, I’ve recently joined some friends in Zoom Dungeons and Dragons (WHO SAID NERD??!) so here’s me in my makeshift wood elf costume.

For all of those people who are at home with not much to do besides wait for World Energy during this difficult time recommend one of each of the following for them to check out:

A book
The Complete Sherlock Holmes… novels and short stories combined. Holmes is such a great character who has been butchered repeatedly by Hollywood. He’s an absolute badass, social misfit, drug addict, scientist, musician. Everything I aspire to.

A film
Hot Fuzz - amazingly well written British Comedy

A TV series
Ken Burns Civil War Documentary - 10 hours of graphic accounts of the American Civil War. It’s absolutely mind blowing, full of photos and diary accounts and plays so much into contemporary politics.

A PC or console game
Tekken - any of them - I will leave the ruin of your broken husk in the dust. Or Wii tennis…with the same outcome. I also loved hitman, total war, dawn of war…

A music album
Crime Slunk Scene by Buckethead. What’s that? You’re not familiar with the 6’6" man who had composed 400 albums of progressive metal and hasn’t performed without a mask or bucket for almost 40 years? And you haven’t seen his robot dance or nunchuck display??

An unusual activity or pastime they can do and learn from home
Learn Latin. I’ve dabbled but would love to do more, it gives a fascinating insight into modern European languages. I have a friend who can read runes and that is rock and roll.

In terms of creative hobbies and crafts, Mrs The Bard is the expert and turns her hand from furniture building to cake decorating to rebuilding appliances. Try taking something apart and putting it back together.

Do you have a particular memory of a great victory, a tragic defeat or a moment of madness?

I lost to Guardians Reborn, Nocturnal Winds and Northern Vikings, which was publicised in some excellent war banter threads. @kayo of Reborn took such a perverse delight in repeatedly one shotting my team that my new friends at Misfits thought we’d had some kind of catastrophic drama.

Which season 1 hero would you most recommend to a new player?

Is this still going??
Ulmer…I hated him for his meh damage and slow speed but now I understand the damage potential of Def down and know he’s a real gem.

What in-game element and class would you say suits you most?

Tricky… I’ve a lot of fond memories of Dark, because Proteus is such a game changer and allows you to treat so many great bosses with disdain, particularly during the Guin paradigm.

Two of my first three 4 were red, so I still subconsciously think of them as my primary damage dealers.*

In game are we the goodies or the baddies?

Baddies - we’re analogous with the Conquistadors or British Empire, planting our flag across multiple continents with a firm belief that we’re ‘saving’ them. And we destroy harmless animals, eat an entirely protein diet and build everything from non-renewable resources. We make Darth Vader look like a moderate.

In your opinion what is the meaning of life?

Well, IRL I’m quite religious. The forum is place for inclusivity so I try to genuinely be sensitive to that. I think ‘love your neighbour…even if he plays the trombone’ works out in most situations whether you’re coming from a religious or secular standpoint.

Or am I just meant to say 42?

If you could make two changes to the game one realistic and one unrealistic what would they be?

Realistic change - level up a hero without the max ten at a time nonsense. I can’t see the purpose. I should be able to funnel training camps into a hero without the summons lag. The collect all button is a small step in the right direction.

Unrealistic - I want massive, multi alliance wars with formations, titan artillery and multiple customisable bonuses and war zones.

If I gave you $1000 to spend frivolously, what would you buy?

*An oldosh motorbike…mine died :sob: *


Let’s assume for a moment that…

the Many Worlds Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics is correct and that there are alternative universes or timelines branching off all the time. Does that mean if we want to pin-point where we are in time and space we need additional dimensions of time to pinpoint which timeline we’re in as well?


Anyway the only reason I ask is…

because if you think about it and there are all these parallel universes then there are universes where I’ve kidnapped you and other universes where I haven’t but if everybody is in lockdown and nobody is around to witness it then how will people ever know which universe they’re in and what happened to Jonah? You could say it is Schrodinger’s Jonah… Anyway boxers or kick-boxers?

One wearing the other, your choice.
Also, Tony Jah from Omg Bak if I can only pick one.

At this point MysterySpin pulls into a service station and goes in to purchase a wiener. Jonah manages to escape his restraints and flee or does he or did it even happen… Who knows at this point!

PS. If I remember any juicy question I forgot to include I might add it later but I won’t go so far as to continue rambling on much further now.

The rest of the series will resume tomorrow with Calendar Commandant @Novo


Well this could be entertaining :joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::wink:


Sorry, the formatting is all over the place…


It’s from a movie right? Seems ok to me.

Which one/s?

Also hot damn that’s long haha;

Edit: tried cleaning up the formatting a little :slight_smile: seems like quite the adventure you had with @MysterySpin!


Thanks man, I need a nap.

Medieval 1 and 2

I had a massive Holy Roman Empire and the save got corrupted. I lost all my progress and never played it again…


Ahh shame! I liked editing the game code & playing as the Papal States :rofl: instant excommunication for whoever I attacked!!

You should check out the Warhammer Total War then! Seeing as you do the models too :wink: it’s just regular tho; not 40k.

1 Like

That was a hilariously epic read! @MysterySpin had my head spinning with all those questions and scenarios. However @JonahTheBard handled them quite well.

Jonah, get plenty of rest and feel better soon. :hugs: :wink:



I thought I told you to stay safe!!!

I know, it wasn’t your fault. I had a feeling that you were going to catch it, given that your job requires you being in contact with all those damn people all the time.

I’m sorry, man. Best wishes for a quick recovery!


It’s Mrs The Bard’s fault with her incessant need for food shopping :laughing: apparently you have to feed kids every day


Not true, according to my mom.

I’m still technically alive, so I guess she was right.


That was really entertaining, kudos @MysterySpin for the entertaining Qs, and @JonahTheBard for the creative answers…

Now every time I see Gravey and Nightshade, I’ll think of them having a kid… maybe they go on playdates with the Jill/Tyr/Natalya family and the Isarnia/Poseidon/Ariel/Vela family we created over in the When Suddenly thread… and imagining Gravey drinking with JF and Azlar as he mourns his completely pacifistic kid…

Also: chips with cheese on chicken, mmmm. and great recommendations for movies/books/albums… should check those out some time…

another amazing entry in the series.

and get well soon @JonahTheBard!


See, this is why my man and I decided never to have kids through any method. We’re just as likely to leave the kid in a shopping mall, as we are to both pass out drunk on the couch and forgot to feed him/her…


Your heart came in extra large :heart:


The more of your posts I read, the more I think I must be related to you somehow.



Are you my brother from another mother??? family reunion!


That’s because I drank all the milk in the fridge and scooped all the peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon.

Mom always yelled at me for it later, and sent me on my bike to the store to pick up more, with her bad checks in hand.

No regrets.


Very likely! I’ve been team “don’t want any children of my own” forever.

Not that I hate kids. Just can’t really relate to them, can’t afford to raise them, probably very likely to screw them up psychologically if I did have them.


I feel you. I’m the same: kids are great, and more power to those who want them. I’m just not cut out to HAVE them.


Yep, yep.

It’s funny because I’m a heterosexual, and I oftentimes hear the LGBT community refer to heteros as “breeders” (supposed to be a pejorative I guess?). I chose not to breed.

My mom thinks it’s kind of sad. I guess she wanted grandchildren? Funny, because she seemed to despise being a mother. Maybe she thought “grandparent” would be more fun and less responsibility. Oh well.

My dad actually finds it amusing. He told me,

"you’re actually the only remaining male in our family of child bearing age. By choosing not to have children, you are officially the end of our family tree. When you die, so does our entire ancestry.

That’s impressive."

He said that completely unironically and unsarcastically. My dad’s kind of a humorless, unemotional, super-logical Vulcan type. He doesn’t joke about much. He actually thinks that my personal choice to be the final branch of our family tree is a rare and amazing achievement.

(he also admits that he never really wanted children either, my very existence was all my mother’s idea)


I’m okay with that. All of it. Being the end of the family line, not having anyone to “carry on” the family name, the fact that I was never meant to exist in the first place, etc. It’s all good. I still value life. I value my life and the lives of others. Like everyone else, my existence here is only temporary anyway. Trying to make the best of it, and trying not to be a thorn in anyone else’s side while I’m here. Having children? I know for a fact that I would just be a thorn in their side, and I’d never be able to teach them half the stuff or give them half the life I would want for them.

Not to mention there are many people in this world who would prefer it if I didn’t procreate (as if their DNA is so great :roll_eyes: LOL)


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