Unfortunately having slept on it my subconscious was busy hard at work coming up with this next bit and having thought it up I feel compelled to go with it but I shall only add everything I dreamed up and not anything else. Naturally as this was my subconscious at work it is a jumble of tossing back stuff that it encountered during the day (ie re-using your questions) and coming up with a bunch of my own from parts of my psyche of varying degrees of seriousness and surreality.
MysterySpin Returns
We interrupt this edition of An Audience with to bring you breaking news that MysterySpin has kidnapped JonahTheBard. Jonah is currently tied up on the backseat of a Reliant Robin as MysterySpin drives it around Scandinavia in a trip consisting of fiendish mini-golf and questions. We take you now to the actionā¦
How are the restraints? Not too tight?
JB: Just the way I like them. As someone who regularly uses restraints, Iād just remind you that they need to be eased and re-tightened every 15 minutes to prevent toxic shock, thanks.
MS Careful the car has only got three wheels and will tip if you squirm too much. Anyway enough about the restraints it is not that kind of website. How long have you been playing Empires and Puzzles?
JB: Since 6th March 2018. I needed something engaging while I was up a lot with a grumpy baby. I had tried reading sci-fi novels allowed, but thereās only so often you can describe a heretic being chainsawed in half before you worry there will be some kind of psychological impact.
Well this is gonna be a long journey so letās try a game. How about Snog, Marry, Kill? Who would you snog, marry and kill from your hero roster and why?
Iām going to choose Mother North for all three. Itās a long-term plan to gain the lucrative image rights to Santa. By instigating a heart-breaking and bitter divorce between Mother North and Santa, Iāll make sure she takes him to the cleaners. Then, once weāre married thereāll be a tragic skiing accident in which sheāll accidentally repeatedly fall on a ski pole. And Santa will very sadly end it all although how he managed to tie himself up in a carpet and fall off a bridge will remain a mystery. This leaves me as heir to the entire Christmas empire.
OK now how about snog, marry, kill from the combined team of moderators and staff that maintain this forum?
Itās basically the same answer but with @mhalttu
Whatās your current role in your alliance?
Iām a sort of co-leaderā¦@rook? I was really heavily involved in building the Guardians Alliance Family, who I still love dearly, but Iām enjoying being a bit hands off at Misfit Toys and satisfy the conditions of my rank by letting people back in the alliance and fiddling with the alliance message.
If weāre travelling from Turku at an average speed of 35 kilometres an hour (probably should have used a better car) to abduct Petri in Helsinki 166 kilometres awayā¦ What is the average cost of a tin of spaghetti in your country?
I havenāt done any proper shopping for over 10 years. I donāt knowā¦ probably more than a barrel of oil at this point.
Now assuming we werenāt going to be abducting Petri but instead you were going on a road trip with Petri instead where would you be going and what snacks would you bring?
Iām fortunate to live near a lot of historic sites, which makes me feel especially smug when talking to my American friends. So Iāll drag you and Petri to a few iron age hillforts, Roman walls, castles and we can re-enact a few Saxon Vs Viking battles. And I have a borderline addiction to chocolate raisins. So Iāll bring those. But I wonāt share.
Rank your 5 favourite cheeses.
Wensleydale with Cranberry or Apricot
Baked Camembert
Extra mature cheddar
Red Leicester
Anything by The Darkness
OK time to get serious for a moment. Letās talk string theoryā¦ Just how long is a piece of string?
I donāt really think in an X dimension. Now, āhow high is a piece of stringā is a much more interesting question.
If this car had a sunroof what would you hope you would be able to see out of it?
Certainly not this patch of tarmac. Try taking it easier on the corners next time.
And if you were back at your home instead what would you be able to see out of the window now?
Which hero are you currently levelling and how will you use them?
Iāve been ridiculously lucky with pulls recently. I only spend about five quid a year from Google Rewards surveys but Iāve got rare 5 coming out my ears. So Iāve just maxxed Anzogh, Tyr and Norns, with Killhare almost done. Iām going to use her instead of Quintus in my primary purple stack. I might use her on defence, just for laughs. Similarly to you, Iām a firm believer in using what you get, so my Elkanen, horghall, skittles, Gobbler, Agwe and Quintus have all seen a lot of use.*
Which is you favourite hero in your roster and why?
Evelyn - sheās just good at absolutely everything and elevated my mundane green stack into stone cold killers.
I started this thread for people who like cats, which, Iāll admit, Iām entirely indifferent to. But itās one of my most ālikedā threads and as someone whoās put rather a lot of effort into poetry and short stories, it irks me that cat pictures are still more appreciated, even here.
As a moderator you must be pretty good at merging stuff so Iām gonna give you a bunch of categories and you have to think of two things in that category to make the most interesting or entertaining merged product.
No. 1 ā Which two completely unrelated forum threads would you find amusing to merge? The Ridiculous Bragging Thread and Summons are Ridiculousā¦all the happy people and all the summons misery in one place. Iām sure theyād all appreciate each otherās contrasting emotions with great poise and compassionā¦
MS: Now DO IT! Just kidding, how can you tied up!
No. 2 ā Pitch the concept for a film that merges 2 or more other film franchises?
An easy one would be to bridge the Terminator series with the Matrix. Potentially, one could write a film to go from Terminator 1 and 2 to the Matrix. Then we could bin alllll the other matrix and terminator movies, leaving a single quadrology of genius.
Ok, how about Leon Vs John Wick. Two Uber assassins going head to head and then joining forces?
And finally The Raid meets Twilight/Harry Potter
(@Guvnor@petri, seriously can you check this gif is appropriate)
No. 3 ā Play matchmaker to two heroes within the game to produce the offspring hero you would find the most interesting. Which hero is the father, which is the mother and what would the child be like?
Bonus points for describing the advise you would give the would be father on how they should woo the prospective motherā¦
No. 4 ā Merge two or more food substances that most people would assume doesnāt work but actually tastes quite good together. This must be a concoction of your own devising. I often cook crushed crisps (aka potato chips) mixed with cheese and baked on chicken breast. Is this unusual enough?
Talking of taking parts of food and putting them together letās talk playaparttogetherā¦
This is a really strange and challenging time for all of us across the whole player base and all our communities around the world. How has your alliance been supporting each other or those around them?
@rook does all the pastoral work. I just try to be generally cheerful . Thatās a bit lame isnāt itā¦ Personally, weāve been in isolation for almost two weeks, my wife was patient one. Fortunately, church folks have done shopping for us and I can work from home a bit.
Hypothetically speaking if the next part of PlayApartTogether was that alliances were challenged to cosplay as heroes from the game during the weekend war next week, what hero or heroine would you dress as given what you might have available at home if you werenāt tied up in this car?
Well, Iāve recently joined some friends in Zoom Dungeons and Dragons (WHO SAID NERD??!) so hereās me in my makeshift wood elf costume.
For all of those people who are at home with not much to do besides wait for World Energy during this difficult time recommend one of each of the following for them to check out:
A book The Complete Sherlock Holmesā¦ novels and short stories combined. Holmes is such a great character who has been butchered repeatedly by Hollywood. Heās an absolute badass, social misfit, drug addict, scientist, musician. Everything I aspire to.
A film Hot Fuzz - amazingly well written British Comedy
A TV series Ken Burns Civil War Documentary - 10 hours of graphic accounts of the American Civil War. Itās absolutely mind blowing, full of photos and diary accounts and plays so much into contemporary politics.
A PC or console game Tekken - any of them - I will leave the ruin of your broken husk in the dust. Or Wii tennisā¦with the same outcome. I also loved hitman, total war, dawn of warā¦
A music album Crime Slunk Scene by Buckethead. Whatās that? Youāre not familiar with the 6ā6" man who had composed 400 albums of progressive metal and hasnāt performed without a mask or bucket for almost 40 years? And you havenāt seen his robot dance or nunchuck display??
An unusual activity or pastime they can do and learn from home Learn Latin. Iāve dabbled but would love to do more, it gives a fascinating insight into modern European languages. I have a friend who can read runes and that is rock and roll.
In terms of creative hobbies and crafts, Mrs The Bard is the expert and turns her hand from furniture building to cake decorating to rebuilding appliances. Try taking something apart and putting it back together.
Do you have a particular memory of a great victory, a tragic defeat or a moment of madness?
I lost to Guardians Reborn, Nocturnal Winds and Northern Vikings, which was publicised in some excellent war banter threads. @kayo of Reborn took such a perverse delight in repeatedly one shotting my team that my new friends at Misfits thought weād had some kind of catastrophic drama.
Which season 1 hero would you most recommend to a new player?
Is this still going?? Ulmerā¦I hated him for his meh damage and slow speed but now I understand the damage potential of Def down and know heās a real gem.
What in-game element and class would you say suits you most?
Trickyā¦ Iāve a lot of fond memories of Dark, because Proteus is such a game changer and allows you to treat so many great bosses with disdain, particularly during the Guin paradigm.
Two of my first three 4 were red, so I still subconsciously think of them as my primary damage dealers.*
In game are we the goodies or the baddies?
Baddies - weāre analogous with the Conquistadors or British Empire, planting our flag across multiple continents with a firm belief that weāre āsavingā them. And we destroy harmless animals, eat an entirely protein diet and build everything from non-renewable resources. We make Darth Vader look like a moderate.
In your opinion what is the meaning of life?
Well, IRL Iām quite religious. The forum is place for inclusivity so I try to genuinely be sensitive to that. I think ālove your neighbourā¦even if he plays the tromboneā works out in most situations whether youāre coming from a religious or secular standpoint.
Or am I just meant to say 42?
If you could make two changes to the game one realistic and one unrealistic what would they be?
Realistic change - level up a hero without the max ten at a time nonsense. I canāt see the purpose. I should be able to funnel training camps into a hero without the summons lag. The collect all button is a small step in the right direction.
Unrealistic - I want massive, multi alliance wars with formations, titan artillery and multiple customisable bonuses and war zones.
If I gave you $1000 to spend frivolously, what would you buy?
*An oldosh motorbikeā¦mine died *
Or MORE NERF GUNSā¦!
Letās assume for a moment thatā¦
the Many Worlds Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics is correct and that there are alternative universes or timelines branching off all the time. Does that mean if we want to pin-point where we are in time and space we need additional dimensions of time to pinpoint which timeline weāre in as well?
Obviously
Anyway the only reason I ask isā¦
because if you think about it and there are all these parallel universes then there are universes where Iāve kidnapped you and other universes where I havenāt but if everybody is in lockdown and nobody is around to witness it then how will people ever know which universe theyāre in and what happened to Jonah? You could say it is Schrodingerās Jonahā¦ Anyway boxers or kick-boxers?
One wearing the other, your choice. Also, Tony Jah from Omg Bak if I can only pick one.
At this point MysterySpin pulls into a service station and goes in to purchase a wiener. Jonah manages to escape his restraints and flee or does he or did it even happenā¦ Who knows at this point!
PS. If I remember any juicy question I forgot to include I might add it later but I wonāt go so far as to continue rambling on much further now.
The rest of the series will resume tomorrow with Calendar Commandant @Novo
That was a hilariously epic read! @MysterySpin had my head spinning with all those questions and scenarios. However @JonahTheBard handled them quite well.
I know, it wasnāt your fault. I had a feeling that you were going to catch it, given that your job requires you being in contact with all those damn people all the time.
Iām sorry, man. Best wishes for a quick recovery!
That was really entertaining, kudos @MysterySpin for the entertaining Qs, and @JonahTheBard for the creative answersā¦
Now every time I see Gravey and Nightshade, Iāll think of them having a kidā¦ maybe they go on playdates with the Jill/Tyr/Natalya family and the Isarnia/Poseidon/Ariel/Vela family we created over in the When Suddenly threadā¦ and imagining Gravey drinking with JF and Azlar as he mourns his completely pacifistic kidā¦
Also: chips with cheese on chicken, mmmm. and great recommendations for movies/books/albumsā¦ should check those out some timeā¦
See, this is why my man and I decided never to have kids through any method. Weāre just as likely to leave the kid in a shopping mall, as we are to both pass out drunk on the couch and forgot to feed him/herā¦
Very likely! Iāve been team ādonāt want any children of my ownā forever.
Not that I hate kids. Just canāt really relate to them, canāt afford to raise them, probably very likely to screw them up psychologically if I did have them.
Itās funny because Iām a heterosexual, and I oftentimes hear the LGBT community refer to heteros as ābreedersā (supposed to be a pejorative I guess?). I chose not to breed.
My mom thinks itās kind of sad. I guess she wanted grandchildren? Funny, because she seemed to despise being a mother. Maybe she thought āgrandparentā would be more fun and less responsibility. Oh well.
My dad actually finds it amusing. He told me,
"youāre actually the only remaining male in our family of child bearing age. By choosing not to have children, you are officially the end of our family tree. When you die, so does our entire ancestry.
Thatās impressive."
He said that completely unironically and unsarcastically. My dadās kind of a humorless, unemotional, super-logical Vulcan type. He doesnāt joke about much. He actually thinks that my personal choice to be the final branch of our family tree is a rare and amazing achievement.
(he also admits that he never really wanted children either, my very existence was all my motherās idea)
Iām okay with that. All of it. Being the end of the family line, not having anyone to ācarry onā the family name, the fact that I was never meant to exist in the first place, etc. Itās all good. I still value life. I value my life and the lives of others. Like everyone else, my existence here is only temporary anyway. Trying to make the best of it, and trying not to be a thorn in anyone elseās side while Iām here. Having children? I know for a fact that I would just be a thorn in their side, and Iād never be able to teach them half the stuff or give them half the life I would want for them.
Not to mention there are many people in this world who would prefer it if I didnāt procreate (as if their DNA is so great LOL)