A little fan-fictionette written in a warm garden on a sunny Saturday
A hushed silence descended upon the gathered horde as the Dark Lord raised a hand to quiet them.
He gazed down from his smouldering granite throne, his menacing eyes picking out every goblin, darkling and ratman in the great cavern.
With a dismissive gesture he ordered the throngs around the dark pool to clear his field of view.
At the centre of the cavern lay the pool of black water and now it began to boil and writhe with a potent evil.
Then, with a great eruption of putrid liquid there came forth a beautiful and terrible creature - the squid-like sea witch herself.
Even the hardened darkling commanders flinched from her terrible aura as her ghastly writhing tentacles held her at the surface.
" I have come Darkest One" she proclaimed in a voice of honey and poison. “I will join my forces with yours and together we will crush the Correllian fools and feast upon the flesh of their people!”
“Indeed, oh Sea Witch” replied the Dark Lord “But I am unfamiliar with your great army, tell me of your monstrous beasts and dread servants. Do they compare to my mighty Elementals, Vampires and barbarians?
“Indeed, Dark One, do not fear for my minions are many and strong - sharp in tooth and claw, fleet or wing and deadly in purpose:BEHOLD!”
Ursena thrust her arms to the rocky ceiling far above and the black waters spat forth the creatures of her realm.
The assembled host gasped and then…an eery silence.
The Dark Lord peered towards the pool, leaning forward from his throne…
Finally a voice spoke up from a mob of goblins.
“it’s a lemur”
“A soggy lemur.”
" You’ll get us flayed - shut up”
" If I’m going into battle to fight for the final victory of evil over good, I want to know that whoever’s got my back isn’t just a moistened primate from an obscure evolutionary niche, that’s all…"
“SILENCE!” Bellowed the Lord of Darkness and purple lightning bolts flashed around the rocks.
“DO NOT QUESTION, YOUR MASTERS!”
He sat back, his countenance looking somewhat taken aback despite his fearsome outburst.
“Lady Ursena, I’m sure this creature must have some use, if you vouch for it. What other warriors are at your disposal?”
“As you wish, Lord. I shall display a creature of alien physicality and deadly poison!”
Those are the pool searched for some sign of this new arrival and eventually a Doomed Knight spotted it.
" It’s a jellyfish" he said, his deep, gravelly voice sounding flat.
“Ha, no you imbecile” retorted the sea witch, “it is an EVIL Jellyfish, Ahahaha!” Her maniacal laughter echoed through the cavern.
“Erm, of course. Fine - evil” now even the Dark Lord was struggling for enthusiasm.
The Doomed Knight addressed his Lord
“We’re fighting a land campaign, right? So… jellyfish are pretty aquatic as far as I recall?”
The Dark Lord shot him a glare and composed himself.
"The campaign. Er, yes. Let us move on from this trivial theatre and speak of our plans. Come forth my strategists.
Two R’Lyeh Strategists came forward to the throne, their squid like features writhing as they spoke.
“Yes Lord, are plans are laid and victory is assured.”
“Good, cos we’ve been getting our butts kicked so far!” came a mutter from a Darkling.
“Well no more, listen, underling to our plan and be silent!” sneered the R’Lyeh.
“We will deploy our forces across the continent and, when attacked, you are to form distinct lines of defence of increasing skill and ability. At no point should you break rank and assist the formation ahead of you. In this manner, shall we assure victory.”
"Right, let me get this straight,"it was the Doomed Knight again, who was already feeling pretty miffed by the disappointing reinforcements, “So, even though there’s thousands of us, we’re going to spread out in to tiny lines?”
“And are we going to attack their stronghold in force before they are able to train and equip a viable army?”
“No, don’t be foolish, ingrate. We position our weakest forces on the front line and make them progressively harder at the rear. It’s a classic strategy!”
“Listen, sqid face, that is the stupidest plan I heard since you idiots proposed only releasing one dragon every twenty three hours. I’m a Doomed Knight but the ‘doomed’ bit is supposed to reference my irredeemable spiritual corruption, not the fact that I’m inevitably going to get trounced by a woman in her undies, an obese clergyman and a monkey with a gambling problem!” The knight was really hitting his stride and there were cries of agreement and encouragement coming from around the cave.
“So this is what we should do, first it’s a thanks-but-no thanks to the little mermaid over their and her disappointing menagerie. Next, we get everyone together and attack the castle all at once. There’s only like thirty or forty actual fighters there and half the time they’re either out pinching ham off each other or committing genocide against the Wildefrost natives. We get in there, chop 'em to bits, scoff all the ham, job done.”
A great cheer rose from the throng with clapping, roaring and rattling of shields and weapons.
BaZAAP - with a sizzling energy bolt the Dark Lord incinerated the knight in am instant.
“Doomed indeed. There will be no mutiny today. We will stick to the plan… unless anyone else objects?”