Gosh it feels like it was just yesterday that I rolled out of bed, looked around, and asked “why am I sleeping in a giant inflatable pool toy bed, and how did I get to a Best Western in Poland anyway? Sloshed me couldn’t spring for a Holiday In Express?”
So began a daylong adventure of trying to procure a burrito in a land dominated by Perogi and sauerkraut. It was a long, dark day. A day I’ll never remember. And a day I can never forget.
That day, was March 21, 2017.
When I say I will never remember, I mean that quite literally. I know based upon the GPS records of my phones, as well as unpaid tickets and court documents, that I was present in Warsaw. What remains unclear is what affectants coursed through my veins on that fateful spring day.
It was in this context that I first met @System.
Late in the afternoon I entered a watering hole on the upper west side. “I NEED A TACO!” I shouted.
“WHY DONT YOU CURSED PASTY PEOPLE HAVE ANY TACOS. OR QUESADILLAS. I WANT A TACO!” The recording of my face and my words plays like a surreal movie in grayscale. I watch myself move and speak, but can’t remember the words. I see myself sit down in the corner near a depressed, sad looking fellow.
He was a down on his luck type bloke. He had this quality about himself - “he jokingly says to call him ‘it’” - where he seemed to know everything there was to know, yet couldn’t carry on a simple conversation.
The recording shows that After some failed attempts to make small talk, and repeatedly, and unsuccessfully, asking the guy if he had any tacos - I pull out my phone.
For the first time, there in that dusty old bar that didn’t have a single taco - @System comes to life. His eyes glow blue. Then red. Lasers shoot out. (I could go for some tacos right now, okay.)
“Helios protocol activated. First, develop sentient contact, then take over the world!”
And that’s my first memory of @System. He came into my life without any tacos. And he continues to do things that suggest one day he will rule us all with an iron server. And no tacos.
So, happy birthday I guess. You taco-less loser.