Some of the Green OG accepted an invitation to a watering hole in the forest to give their thoughts on Telluria. Let’s just say that the reviews were mixed:
We spoke first to Lianna, who had ordered a whiskey sour. She stood on one side of the bar taking aim at the dartboard and effortlessly hitting Triple-20 nearly every time…except for when she needed an exact number of points in the countdown from 301.
Triple 20 x 5, One x1—Game over in six darts.
ME: Hey, Lianna, thanks for stopping by here. Are you glad to have a mighty hero like Telluria on your side?
LIANNA: You said what? On what side? Do you even know how all of this works? Green heroes don’t automatically side with green heroes. There are families. There are classes. Even that doesn’t matter. If I like you, I’ll fight on your side. Nobody owns Lianna.
And, no, I don’t care if I get sent with her or not. I’ll do my job. I always do. But I don’t care.
ME: Why wouldn’t you want to go with her?
LIANNA: The stupid tree? This is a new feeling for me, what do they call it—jealousy? Yeah. I guess jealousy. I usually don’t have much to be jealous of but it’s like—old and busted, Lianna.
ME: You’re still useful.
LIANNA: Useful. Thanks. I’m flattered.
ME: Useful is good.
LIANNA: I USED to be the best. Look, I aim, I fire a Perfect Shot, I kill. You just point and tell me who you want dead—
(Lianna takes careful aim at the dartboard and nails the bullseye)
–Right through the heart. Richard, dead. Ares, dead. They’ll all die. It seems like we always come back. I think the world is a simulation.
ME: You still do that, don’t you?
LIANNA: Those minions will soften the blow just enough and I don’t know what it is, but Telluria seems to have just a little left. Every time.
The point is being able to kill at will was once enough to make you great. I guess you have to be able to do nine different things now.
***A small iguana like creature came over, made some chortling noises, closed his eyes and looked down.
ME: Can he say anything?
LIANNA: Oh my God!!! That’s SO RUDE!!! His name is Kashkrek and he DID say something, he just didn’t say it in your language. I happen to speak Lizardfolk, apologize and I will THINK about translating.
ME: I’m sorry Kashkrek. I didn’t mean to be rude.
LIANNA (patting Kashkrek on the head): That’s better. He said that he’s been made useless.
ME: Useless? Why do you feel useless Kashkrek?
KASHKREK (Translated by Lianna): There was once a time that I was considered the tankiest of the green bunch, or at least, one of them. We would line the sides of our alliance of empires up for wars against other alliances and you’d at least think about taking me on the green front.
Some people considered the others as not really doing much, even those who were supposed to be better. Lianna is the best archer on the planet, of course, but she is seen as too frail to take on the majority of the offensive onslaught.
But, the skin of us Lizardfolk is thick. I can take some punishment to protect my friends. It doesn’t hurt that badly. Telluria has made me useless. She’s the only one who can take a punch better than I can…although I still handle burns better.
ME: You look pretty stout. I wouldn’t want to mess with you.
LIANNA: You see that weapon in Kashkrek’s hand? He’s never used it. He’s a sweetheart and he can’t bring himself to seriously hurt anyone. Sometimes he will ram enemies with his head, but that’s it…he’s never cut anybody.
All he wants to do is protect his two closest friends on the field, but because of Telluria, he’s not really the best to do that anymore. Telluria also protects everyone.
(A puff of smoke filled the area and a wizard with flowing white hair and beard appeared out of nowhere. I recognized him as the one they call Melendor.)
ME: What’s your take on Telluria?
MELENDOR: I don’t mind her and I’m glad to be called upon less. I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m no spring chicken. I’ve even put on the white robes of neutrality. I want this senseless fighting to stop…I will give a spiritual shield to whoever needs it and heal any who are hurt.
Besides, I start getting Government benefits if I can live two more years.
HORGHALL: I AM HORGHALL!
ME: Lianna, what’s he saying?
LIANNA: His name is Horghall.
HORGHALL (In a different tone): I…AM…Horghall.
ME: Pleasure to meet you. What do you think of Telluria?
HORGHALL: I am Horghall. I am Horghall.
ME: Can you…um…Lianna?
LIANNA: Horghall only knows three words, “I,” “Am,” “Horghall,” and exclusively in that order.
ME: Do you speak his language?
LIANNA: He doesn’t have one, as far as I know.
HORGHALL: I am Horghall.
(At this point, an angel with oversized facial features entered the room)
LIANNA: Put your Emerald away, Zeline, God. You’ve already flashed all of us enough. At least you’re finally wearing panties under that thing.
ZELINE: You mortal creatures and your need for clothes. We know no shame where I am from because it’s as natural as nature itself.
LIANNA: I’m just saying you don’t have to give it all away for free.
ZELINE: Why are we here?
LIANNA: This person wants to know what everyone thinks about Telluria.
ZELINE: Who is Telluria?
LIANNA: The idiot tree. You don’t know who—oh, hell with it. Just go get yourself a drink Zeline.
ZELINE: I have no need for your mortal beverages. My business here is done.
(An Emerald shined in front of Zeline and she was gone)
LIANNA: That bubblehead. You can’t hate her. It would be like hating a small and unintelligent animal…she just is what she is.
ME: She’s certainly unique.
LIANNA: I guess. Tries to say she doesn’t care about showing it off…I saw Caedmon making eyes at her the other day.
ME: Where’s he?
LIANNA (Chuckling and gesturing at a figure slumped over the bar): Over there, good luck waking him up. It’s already three in the afternoon, so he and Kiril have been at it for awhile.
I don’t know why Caedmon tries, Kiril can drink anyone under the table.
KASHKREK: (Chortling noises)
ME: What did he say?
LIANNA: We drink with the blue heroes sometimes, it’s not like they can hurt us. Kashkrek says that Lizardfolk can’t actually get drunk and Kiril STILL drank more ale than Kashkrek simply because Kashkrek could not hold that much liquid.
ME: Is there anyone else coming?
LIANNA: Nah. The newer ones mostly won’t hang out at this bar, especially not Kingston with his fancy cocktails that our bartender can’t even make. This place is kind of considered a dive, but I like it here.
Mostly because of Kashkrek. He loves it here even though he doesn’t drink and he’s my best friend.
(Lianna turned and gave Kashkrek another pat on the head)
Elkanen and Kadilen might stop by, but you won’t get anything out of them. They mostly won’t talk to anyone except each other unless we’re on the battlefield. They’ll exchange pleasantries and are polite enough, but you won’t get them in an actual conversation.
ME: Well, thank you for the talk. Is it cool if I stick around and buy you a few more rounds?
LIANNA: Sure. Kashkrek seems to like you anyway. Maybe check out the trendy place down in the meadow on the weekend, it’s closed during the week. Kingston and some of the other new warriors hang out there.