Ask Lann Anders

Hey all! I’m Lann Anders, AKA TGW. I’m here to answer any random questions you may have about E&P, life, earth, life on earth, or life on other planets. By refusing to waste my time getting overly educated on one subject, I have had plenty of time to learn a little bit about every subject. And since I created my own thread on a real website on the internet, you can be sure that I know what I’m talking about.

This is your official unofficial thread to ask me, Lann Anders, for advice on anything. Believe me, I probably know more than you. I’ve been alive for several decades now, so there is that. I don’t care if you’re 30 years old and have a PhD. I’m 40 years old, so I’m still 10 years smarter than you. You wouldn’t have made it back in my day. I used to walk 20 miles uphill backwards in snow to school every day, until I figured out that I could walk forwards and take the bus. That’s just one of the many lessons I’ve learned in my life - and you can, too.

Here are some examples of the great wisdom I have to impart on all of you:

Dear Lann Anders,
I just pulled Proteus from Atlantis summon. What should I do now?
Confused in Ann Arbor

A: Dear Confused,
you should level him up.

:+1:

Brilliant stuff, right?
But it doesn’t stop there! I have much more wisdom to depart.
Erm… I mean, impart.

Dear Lann Anders,
I just found out my husband of 15 years has been cheating on me! I love him so much though. Advice?
Betrayed in Des Moines

A: Dear Betrayed,
leave the schmuck.

Dear Lann Anders,
my boyfriend and I were messing around and now I think I might be pregnant. Help?
Scared in Sacramento

A: Dear Scared,
they have these things called pregnancy tests, available at most drug stores. Buy one. Might also want to check out birth control and prophylactics while you’re there.

Great stuff, right? I’m clearly a genius.
Post your questions here and I will answer them at my earliest convenience (or before this thread gets flagged for utter stupidity)
:grin:

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Dear Lann Anders,

Are you related to Ann Landers?

Do you recommend a brand of man ladders?

What should I do about bad manners?

Vexxed and Perplexed of Bristol

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Dear Vexxed and Perplexed,

I am not. In fact, even Ann Landers isn’t related to Ann Landers (true fact).

Brand of man ladders… okay, for this question I have to take into consideration the fact that you’re posting from the other side of the pond, so I’ll assume you’re referring to construction equipment and not some type of vertical human centipede. In the case of the former, both Werner and Little Giant get good reviews. In the case of the latter ladder… you will probably want to inquire with my “confirmed bachelor” uncle, Mann Sanders.

Re: bad manners, I consider myself to be an expert on the subject. It will take a bit of practice to get good at bad manners, but here are a few tips: keep your elbows on the table at all times, don’t try to contain your flatulence, slurp your soup, chew with your mouth wide open, keep bringing up religion and politics at the dinner table, use the wrong silverware, and excessively flirt with the help. Keep it up, and you’ll find yourself being uninvited to weddings and dinner parties in no time. :+1:

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That is the dream.

Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And the heart of my bottom

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So much easier to offend people here in the colonies. Wear a bright red MAGA hat to a gathering and you automatically piss off half the people. Drive up to the next gathering in a Prius with rainbow / coexist / Hillary 2016 bumper stickers and congratulations! You will never be invited anywhere again. :grin:

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Dear Lann:

  1. Do you have a cohort or relative writing under the name Ear Dabby or anything similar? If not, would that be a good pseudonym for this sort of thing if one was inclined to take up an advice column?

  2. I was at a holiday dinner party where basically everyone else does this:

[quote=“TGW, post:3, topic:133362”]
keep your elbows on the table at all times, don’t try to contain your flatulence, slurp your soup, chew with your mouth wide open, keep bringing up religion and politics at the dinner table, use the wrong silverware[/quote]

and I was the one singled out for bad manners due to dating the preferred child of the host parent. I have declined all future invitations to dine there, even though my fiancee nags me to go every holiday to her mothers. Did I handle it correctly?

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No I don’t, but I’ll be sure to file a lawsuit against said person, and I’d be willing to settle out of court for 10 compasses and a couple of decent 5* heroes.

How much do you love your fiancée? Remember that when you marry her, you’re also marrying her family. It would be in your best interests to ask her to divorce her family before marrying you. Otherwise, they’re probably going to try to make your life miserable up until (and moreso after) your divorce.

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Dear Lann Anders,

My style of play has hithertofore been safe and formulaic. I dutifully filled my hero slots with a sniper, a healer, and heroes that did DOT and damage to all. Just for chuckles I changed it up to a random bunch of my highest level heroes, and all of a sudden I am in diamond. I feel strangely guilty that I may never go back. Do I need therapy?

Thank you for your hard-earned wisdom,

Deserter

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Dear Deserter,

No, what you need to do is send that roster to me so that I may copy it.

Never feel guilty for making your opponents bow before you, remember that they would do the same if the situation were reversed. :+1:

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Dear Lann Anders,
I can’t tell you how relieved I am to have found your column. I have never missed a day and have found encouragement in the fact that you have helped so many(about 4 to date). I have dreamed of some day making it to the top 1 million and have played for a couple of years. After spending thousands of dollars I was able to put together a Rainbow Dream Team. (See Illustration Below). My life has become a nightmare of raiding and revenges and to no avail I haven’t been able to break into the top 3 million. My wife has left me and my children are totally ashamed of me. I have done my best to rise to the test but continue to get my *** kicked. My counseling team has repeatedly told me that my whole problem is simply the inability to finish things. Please study my team and help me prove them wrong.

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Dear anc1ent1,

Making it to the top 1 million is a lofty goal. Only the best 1,000,000 players ever make it there, so don’t get discouraged. Keep at it, eventually you will be able to level up and emblem your Margaret, then you should for sure be able to break that 3,000,000 mark.

Your wife and children sound like ungrateful brats, and you’re better off without them. You should quit your job, hire a good attorney, and sue your wife for palimony payments. Use that money to buy yourself more awesome heroes like this.

Remember, this game is a marathon, not a sprint! 2 years is probably not enough time to build a top 1,000,000 roster, unless you’re a total P2W game mechanic exploiter. It will probably take 10-15 years to get a TP of 3000 or above.

Also, I notice you’ve been spending your money to summon 5* heroes. You should be spending it on common summons instead. With enough persistence and a bit of luck, you might be able to pull an Aife. She is the best hero in the game, and all the top 3,000,000 players use her on their defense teams.

Best of luck! And hopefully you find a new wife who appreciates you for the talented mobile phone gamer that you are.

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Well I can certainly understand why you have so many devoted followers. Your Wisdom is unrivaled in the modern era. Maxed Aife’s are continually one shotting my lineup. I noticed on each of my heroes a tab that says level up. After much consideration I came to the conclusion that they all looked pretty level on my phone screen,Thus no leveling was required. I’m sure you would back me up on my conclusions. I guess it’s time to rethink my strategies and will Immediately put my focus on common summons in hopes of more superstar heroes such as Aife,Dawa,Friar Tuck,etc. and without the distractions of a wife and children I should be able to move into the top 1 million players within the next five years(or at least that is my goal). Thanks for taking your valuable time to help a lowlife like me.
Kindest Regards,
Anc1ent1

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Leveling up heroes is overrated. See here:

Glad I could help!

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You’re just hilarious @TGW, thank you for the early morning laughs!

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Thank you :blush:

I’m really more goofy than hilarious, but as long as somebody gets a chuckle out of it, I’ve done my job. :+1:

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Dear Lann Anders,
Salutations. How are thee O Great One? I am in a bit of a pickle. If you decide to take my case on, I’ll give more detail. :slight_smile: thank you for your time.
Pickle in Oklahoma

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Dear Lann Anders,

Were you ever in Jellystone National Park for a brief period cir. 1995?

Lann Anders II from Jellystone

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I believe the correct answer here would be: “feed him to Aife”

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I am doing fine, thanks for asking. And yes, I’m willing to help out a Pickle in need (okay wait… umm… eliminate any potential puns here…)

ahem

What seems to be the problem?

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Dear Lann Anders II,

Possibly…

I’ll have to refer any future inquiries on the subject to my attorney.
(and you don’t look anything like me anyway)

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